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The whole idea of Team Tony started when I reflected back on my Grandpa Odon. He married my Grandma Ingrid. Yep, it was a inter-species thing, but we lived way out in the country, not many folks cared, and most knew that Grandpa Odon had one hell of a mean bite when angered.
Outsiders left us alone.
Grandpa Odon was a star. He reached the pinnacle of success when the Archibald Digby Shoe Emporium featured him on the cover of their new catalog. Life in way-the-hell upper left north Wisconsin was never the same. Our family was instantly slammed with an extreme case of
celebrity-ism-itis.
Grandpa Odon soon hooked up with an agent/manager/crook who gave him the stage name of "Bonzo" and took him on a national tour for 17 grueling years. This is the last known photo of Grandpa, taken mere seconds before that gruesome life-ending incident with the Zamboni at the Iowa Ice Rink Owner's Convention of '63.

RIP Grandpa.
In honor of Grandpa Odom/Bonzo, I decided to create my own racing effort, Team Tony, comprised completely of highly talented, skilled monkeys who could ride and race a motorcycle. Seemed easy enough.
Wasn't.

I did the safest, smartest thing I could think of and ran an ad on Craigslist. Craigslist readers are highly intelligent, well educated, motivated, honest, have integrity and only care about my personal best interests, right?
Wrong.
I've had better conversations with fire hydrants.

My first response was from this dude.
He obviously didn't read the ad, but you gotta give him credit for showing up at every audition.
Said his name was Wilfred, had been training since he was a tadpole and wanted to know if I was interested in an "Intermission Side Show."

Eugene Higgins sent this one in, and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt with the whole language thing. Maybe he thought ride "on a motorcycle" would qualify him, but nope dude, sorry.
However, our IT lady wants to "reach out" to the guy in the red jacket. So tell us Eugene...is he single? And possibly into tantra-yogurt-ism?

Another couple of guys who didn't make the cut, but you gotta give a shout out to teammates with names like "LaRocco" on the bottom and "Travis" as the pilot.

You just gotta.

Team Tony wouldn't be complete without a couple of mechanics. This is Finkel and his brother in law Wagnall. Fink is a pretty good welder and Wag knows his way around suspension. A little problem: they like to drink on the job. "Not drunk drinking, Mr. Boss, just...you know...a pleasant buzz." so they tell me. We'll see. So far no complaints and I get the bottles and cans for the recycling place. Ca-ching!

These two morons sent in an obviously fake resume, but guess what a-holes, your old not-a-friend Barry ratted you out.

Ladies and germs, may I present to you Hobart and Lamont, openly gay twins living in Hemet, Ca.
Want to contact them? See their billboard at Hwy 74 & South Sanderson. And yes, it's lit at night too.

Getting closer to what I'm looking for, Darton Q from Australia said he's a most excellent circle track bike rider and would be more than willing to take a crack at "piloting a motorman bike" if we just gave him one. Said he felt it'd probably only take "a full day...at most three" to master a"motored-ized bike" .
We passed.
Finally catching on, I'm figuring out who to contact...and who not.
The foto on the left was from Eugene  in New Jersey. The photo on the right is also Eugene, which I found on Google image search. To print out Eugene's public record, I had to buy a new black ink printer cartridge.
Walmart at 2:47 AM...almost as scary as Eugene..Almost.
Representing the Rat Bike crowd, the resume from Hobart of Kansas City MO wasn't bad. He currently rides under the "Rust is Rad" banner, but is willing to relocate the contents of his storage unit at a pass-thru cost, plus the tab for his g-friend's baby delivery, but only in case the fire department doesn't respond...again. Levar out of Texas.
Says he rides off-road all the time on the ranch and it wouldn't be a lick of trouble to stay within the banners "ya-all put down them sides of yer little raceways", but I'm inclined to pass on Levar, though he did offer me a butchered half-cow, two gallons of xxx moonshine and a sheep for a week...maybe 10 days.
Ya know that Ryan Dungey kid that walked up to Roger DeCoster about 10 years ago and told him he wanted a ride?
This is Meldon, a nice Baptist boy from East Jersey.When not training to be a racing star, Meldon spends his time polishing pool balls, counting shisk-a-bob sticks and licking spoons. An up and comer.
I'm considering the uber-slick marketing package I received from the "Evil Kn-ape-L" promotional department's assistant secretary.
While the 3-D hologram on the DVD was nice, I'm actually looking for monkeys that can race, rather than jump over Smart cars.
Nice costume though.
Out of Thailand, I think if I can get him on good equipment, I can really work with Xander. He trains rain or shine, eats a lot of fish & rice, has no family and just learned about Tivo, so I think I can sign him pretty cheaply.
One down.
Another definite "No", but I just had to share the team of Courtney and Lamont, two French-speaking Canadians that finished third on one of those Simon Cowell things, only bested by a blind torch juggler and a tap dancing hamster. Canada, eh? Another winner, winner, chicken dinner is Florida Keys native Meldon Ziggafoose who's signed up.
Meldon has a legendary past, only marred by that one incident at Arby's and I'm chalking it up to wardrobe malfunction. 'Nuff said. He's in.
I really wasn't looking for a freestyle guy, but I think if we can get Finley out of the bad side of West Virginia and away from his friends and their habits, he just might make a good racer. I'll have to buy a drug test kit, but it's in the budget anyway.
Not only is he an experienced racer, this Leggett kid out of Iowa has perfected the dry-to-rain bike transition. And he's so calm about it...kind of like Rossi. I like this kid. His manager/mom is kind of a bitch, but I have budget for duct tape,alligator clips, 9 volt battery, etc. Not worried too much. I was seriously considering hiring Radley as part of the team, but when we were close to signing, his girlfriend called and went into great detail about his "frequent episodes". I I wasn't quite sure what to think, but then she sent me fotos of her forearms and shoulders.
Radley is a no-go.

Darton from NorCal is a shoe in.
The boy has style, balance, poise and knows a damn good looking helmet when he wears one.
Darton is a trust fund baby (ball bearing patent) and is more than willing to foot half the racing budget to be on Team Tony..
We love Darton, yes we do.

Some guys are expensive, some are cheap. All I had to offer Kerry was a pit spot with some shade and he was all in. Packed up the 3 wives, 17 kids (UPS 2nd-day) and relocated the whole brood to Team Tony headquarters. My kind of guy. I gave them an empty refrigerator box as a welcoming gift.
They think I'm a god.

A race team's gotta have a banner and a slogan. Introducing the Team Tony banner and our slogan:
"A friend of Tony's is a friend of Tony."

It says it all.

We have our own T-Shirts. Don't tell the Motonation guys, 'cause they'll want a cut of the immense profits.
Send me a tweet and I'll get ya all hooked up.
They're cheap China shit:
$83.47 plus tax N shippin'.

Before you ask, Yes, there is the officially licensed Team Tony Tattoo, available only from eastern La Habra Tattoo Parlors. Special discounts available if you get it on your left breast, even more discounts if you're female and at least semi awake. Coming Soon:
Got a kid, need a prop for an underground film, looking to stand out in a restaurant?
The TeamTony Bib solves at least 73.7% of the world's problems, just by putting it on.


So what's the next step?
We start fine-tuning the the official Team Tony Transporter.
Stay tuned.

It's probably gonna get ugly.

 

 

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