If you've ever been to Motonation, you already know that security is tight. Here the "employees" are enjoying the great outdoors as part of their 7 minute daily meal break/urination opportunity.
I couldn't figure out how to break in, so I watched a Steve McQueen movie about some motorcycle fence jumping contest. Afterward, it hit me completely out of left field: I could tunnel in! All I needed to do was assemble a dream team.
I found this guy on Craigslist and hired him immediately to be my Tactician. He drew up a bunch of plans, then suddenly kind of went "poof" and dropped off the map. Still owe him $1.37. Seen him? Goes by the name of Willie G or something?
Realizing that I was possibly urinating into a low pressure zone, I ponied up and hired me a real spy to help with the job. I thought he was a little strange, until I hired this guy...
...Yep. a real honest to goodness web guy. From what I understand, they all pretty much look like this, only work at night, breed miniature turtles and make their own pencils. Now my team was complete.
We broke into the building, and quickly got access to the Motonation server, where the Motonation website is located...among other things.
Our next move was to pillage the office. First we broke into the office of "El Presidente" El-Bill Berroth-o and guess what we found! His own personal diary! Apparently there is a secret project he's been working on for about a year now!
He's been holding secret meetings with motorcycle dealers all around the country. After plying them with a sandwich (1) and soft drinks (2), he and his brutal staff have been mercilessly drilling these dealers with questions about what they want to see in a new line of motorcycle apparel products.
And it gets worse. Apparently they've been kidnapping riders from all around the country too, asking them the same questions about jackets, gloves. suits and riding pants. It's horrible. Nobody gets paid and everyone gets to contribute their input to buy their freedom! This needs to be exposed!
We found this too. What does it mean? Why does it have a really big A and a really tiny R? Is this secret code? We were temporarily stumped.
Then we hit the jackpot when we found a folder marked "Secret stuff from Michael at AGV Sport-Don't Anybody Look in Here!"
Among other stuff, was the sticker shown above. Now it was starting to make complete sense. These AGV Sport guys are teaming up with the Motonation guys to come up with a USA-based, USA-designed line of motorcycle apparel.
We're guessing that they're also planning on selling it only in the USA too. Just a guess...
We found images of road racing glove prototypes. They're a lot different than what I've seen before. I copied the original "Suitable for framing or selling to the competition" giant original images if you want to buy them from me. Cash or cashiers checks only.
(Tony@motonation.com).
We discovered that they're making a textile jacket that looks like it's about as tough as a Hummer. I guess the Rocket Launcher is optional, apparently...otherwise they'd have a little red line and box for that too!
We found this full-on racing suit, with more callouts than you find at the annual Pig Suey Screeching Competition. It appears as though they've been working covertly for quite some time.
Another one. This looks like some sort of leather jacket with built in protection. Hopefully it doesn't come with all those parts blown off of it. That'd drive you crazy while riding with all that stuff twirling in the wind. They should rethink that feature.
If I still worked there, I'd mention it, but since I don't, I'm not even going to bring it up. Ever.
They're even putting together specific girlie stuff. We can tell because none of the guys that work there are in this good of a shape. Another tip was the code name on this jacket "Women's O2A Black/Pink" which leads us to believe it might also come in other colors. (Man, these Motonation fools sure trip themselves up easily, don't they?).
Speaking of other colors...found this.
And then we discovered something that confirmed that things are going horribly wrong over there.
You might want to stop right here.
You might want to look away.
You might want to grab your lunch sack. (Should be empty, unless you got stuck with egg salad, in which case it won't matter).
Prepare yourself->>>>>>>>>
Apparently what they've been doing is killing and dismembering employees, and then encasing them in plaster. At nighttime, they dress them up in these prototype Motonation/AGV Sport clothes, then dance around them in some sick ritual. We think this body might have been Ned Flault from the Shipping Dept. If anybody can identify Ned's torso, let us know.
The web guy we brought along did some "foto chop" stuff and matched up this body shape from a Motonation company Holiday Greetings card. This is all that's left of Eugene Ziggafoose, who used to be the head of the janitorial division (paper products & disposables).
If any of you ever met/dated/married Rhonda from Accounting, you'll instantly recognize the above photo. She is apparently spending eternity modeling some sort of perforated ladies jacket. Oh the horror!
(Then again, I regularly BBQ with Rhonda's Ex-Husband #17 and I'm not convinced he'd shed a tear, but he might want to borrow the torso on a Friday night when the cable is down).
So that's the story so far. These are all the Motonation/AGV Sport secrets, spilled like so much sushi. I just recently hired this guy. He says he's the best I'll ever have. I'll keep ya posted!
A note from the guys at Motonation:
Okay, the ass is out of the bag. Yes, we've been working on a new line of motorcycle apparel, and yes we've partnered with the AGV Sport brand, which was born in Italy and now designed and engineered in the USA by and for discerning sport bike enthusiasts.
Here's our official Press Release:
MOTONATION LLC ANNOUNCES EXCLUSIVE LICENSING AGREEMENT WITH AGV SPORTS GROUP, INC.
Motonation LLC is pleased to announce that it has reached a long term and exclusive licensing agreement with AGV Sports Group, Inc., one of the oldest-owned and operated apparel companies in the motorcycle industry. Motonation and AGV Sports Group believe that this strategic alliance and partnership will benefit both companies and allow for rapid development of new products for the USA market.
AGV Sports Group believes strongly that Motonation was the right choice for the future of this historic brand and to extend its 25 year commitment to producing technically superior products. Motonation feels that with Motonation’s ownership of the AGV Sports brand and trademarks for the American market in addition to its present exclusively distributed brands of Sidi boots and Vemar helmets that the company’s motorcycle brand collection is now complete. Motonation is looking forward to offering its exclusive retailers a complete range of riding gear, from head to toe via its unique business model of marketing its exclusive product lines through committed partnerships with a limited number of select retailers combined with an aggressive promotional investment that enable the lines to grow in this competitive market.
Motonation is now hard at work on its 2010 AGV Sport product line which will start to show up at Motonation’s Partner retailers late in 2009.
About Motonation
When Motonation was created ten years ago it was based on a philosophy of doing as many things differently from its competitors as possible. Based around a racing metaphor; "When racing you will never pass anyone by following them, you have to be creative and bold by selecting lines that the others have not used." Thus, Motonation offers the finest brands of motorcycle protective wear in the world in its own unique way.
Motonation is the exclusive importer and distributor for: Sidi boots the finest engineered boots in the world and is complimented by the Sidi Design Series (S.D.S.) collection of Sidi branded gloves, socks and casual wear. Our group is completed by the Vemar line of high quality, Italian engineered street and off-road helmets.
N
And it gets worse. Apparently they've been kidnapping riders from all around the country too, asking them the same questions about jackets, gloves. suits and riding pants. It's horrible. Nobody gets paid and everyone gets to contribute their input to buy their freedom! This needs to be exposed!
Apparently what they've been doing is killing and dismembering employees, and then encasing them in plaster. At nighttime, they dress them up in these prototype Motonation/AGV Sport clothes, then dance around them in some sick ritual. We think this body might have been Ned Flault from the Shipping Dept. If anybody can identify Ned's torso, let us know.
